Shades of Jade

Lately I’ve been forced to consider the bizarre thing that is the male psyche. To me it falls into the category of things unknown much like “Is there live on other planets” and “How far into space does space really stretch?” I mean it’s not something new, forever and an eternity men have claimed women are confusing and women have claimed that men are absolute insensitive pricks! Both I’m sad to say, are true.

But being a woman I can only gauge what men are like from what I see and feel. And there in lies the problem. What we see and feel is in complete contrast to what is really going inside those heads of theirs.

Let me be more specific. A friend of mine is at the moment gong through a dilemma. She was very attracted to this one guy. He went back to her place. They connected instantly on many levels intellectually and then came that first kiss… which in her case lasted till morning the next day. As proud I am of her that she didn’t go all the way with this chap, I’m also very sad and empathetic see how much of expectation she has in him after that one encounter. He on the other hand has been nothing but… cordial towards her after that one night… and I have to say, that’s not the way I expected him to act so I can’t really blame her for having expectations of him. See after a night like that, women expect a few things from the guy concerned. A call the next day is a must. Maybe an invitation to meet up for coffee a few days later would be nice. A greater show of interest. The list goes on. But the point I’m trying to get to here is that, even though she now has all these hopes that things are going to HAPPEN with them from now on, I’m guessing he’s thinking something completely different.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying the man came for one thing, didn’t get everything he came for and then simply lost interest since he didn’t get it. But I am saying that in his head, he’s suddenly not sure he did the right thing, and now simply insists on staying platonic as a result. So where does that put her? She’s sitting here wondering “what went wrong. Was it something I said or did?” “Does he like someone else better?” “Will ever hear from him again?” “Should I accept other dates?” “What if he calls when I’m in the shower?” I mean the last few days she and I have been deliberating if she should call him. If she should text him. If she should invite him for a coffee. If she should ask him to join her for a movie. If she should just wait and let him call her instead. If she should just act as if that night was a mistake and doesn’t really affect her in anyway. If she should make sure to take another guy with her if she knows she’s going to meet this guy somewhere… you know just so her knows she’s not pining for him. But wait if she does that will he lose interest completely because he thinks she’s with someone else? When she does call him he seems a tad distant. Yet when she texts him he replies quite frequently. Does that means he still likes her and wants to know her more… or does that mean he wants to just be friends and he’s texting just to be polite?

The should do’s and shouldn’t do’s are all so bloody confusing. Why isn’t there a dating rule book out there? Why couldn’t someone come up with a little black manual that told exactly what men are thinking inside their heads and things we should and shouldn’t do? I mean is that too much to ask for?

But wait… some genius out there did in fact get off his ass and write a rule book / manual on dating. Darling John Gray PhD wrote “Mars and Venus on a Date”. This book I quickly came to realise was a god send for women more than for men. It explains everything. And when I say everything… I MEAN everything. Why men don’t call. Why men change. Why men lose interest. How to attract the right man. How to make sure that right man doesn’t leave you. Why men act so insensitive. Why do guys go distant all of a sudden? There are even 7 guide lines given on how to call a guy after that 1^st date. What to talk about and how to make sure he stays interested. It’s all here!!!

In the midst of this book even found out why my last relationship failed. Remember how our mothers always used to tell us, “Play hard to get”. That’s all well and good. You play hard to get… you make the guy chase after you… you finally realise he’s the one and you start a relationship. But what out mothers failed to tell us was that you had to continue playing hard to get while you’re IN the relationship. You see a guy likes to do things for the girl He likes to know he’s making her happy. And the more responsive she is for the things he does for her, the more attracted he is and more interested he stays. He knows he makes her happy and that’s the hook for him. It’s a guy thing. Girls on the other hand should let guy keep doing things for them. And the best thing she can do in response is make sure he knows that he makes her happy. Now here’s the confusing bit for me. If by some chance the girl starts doing things for the guy… Things start to get rocky. A woman’s position is compromised when she acts as if the man is the jewel and she would like the position of providing the setting. Automatically the romance and the attraction will lessen. Certainly a man likes feeling he is the jewel when a woman seeks to please him, but ultimately he likes much more the experience of winning her over. When a woman shares herself with self assurance that SHE is the jewel a man responds by wanting to win that jewel over. A woman’s desire to please a man is clearly a demonstration of love, but at the same time a woman must know that if she denies herself to please him, it makes her less attractive to him. If she is editing herself, holding herself back and not expressing her true self, he will eventually lose touch with his feelings of attraction for her. It’s a messed up theory I know. As women when we love someone we automatically do things for them. It’s in our nature. We love hat person after all right? WRONG! You should do things for him… but not things that top what he has done for you. Always leave room for him to do something more for you than you are doing for him. In other words… always do less for your man than what he is doing for you. It seems selfish and totally unfair I know… doesn’t really seem like our idea of what love should be like. But now that I think of it… it makes fucking sense! And I’m appalled to realise that that was exactly what I did. I gave him my ALL. I did things for him. I made him think that life wasn’t worth living without him. I demonstrated my love for him by doing too much for him, and not expecting the same in return. I made him the jewel and I was content being the setting. The book even says how women usually blame men for bailing out on them without even realising how they were sabotaging the whole relationship from the start, through their behaviour. To think that my relationship ending was partly my fault. To think there was a way i could have prevented all this from ending and it was all in my hands.. makes me want to rip my heart out. And that my friends is a lesson well learnt.

For my friend, the guy not calling can mean 2 things according to this book. He is uncertain and doesn’t want to call and give her hope in case he changes his mind and in turn doesn’t want to hurt her. Or he could be interested, but he wants to take it slow by, thereby not calling too often yet keeping in touch through a text or 2, so that when the time is right he can either call it all off, or if he truly likes her he can take things further. Totally not the way women would have assumed it as you can see.

As a result it helps to understand the way men see things… its COMPLETELY different to the way women do. The difference is so vast in fact that I wonder how the 2 species ever get along at all in a relationship; it feels like it’s doomed to end in tears and misery. And yet…here we are. Waiting for that ideal person to come along. Waiting for that guy we made out with last night to call us. Waiting to see if some day we’ll be happy spending the rest of our lives with that special someone who we’ll love eternally. Is it even possible?? Did god create these 2 species that just weren’t meant to get along as a joke and he gets some weird kick out of watching us TRYING to make it happen when it just isn’t meant to? Are we like 2 opposite sides of a magnet trying to be attracted to each other when its just NOT going to happen? I don’t know. All I know is this relationship thing… this reading the mind of the opposite sex thing… this to be happy we need to BE WITH somebody thing… has turned us all upside down. And I for one don’t really know how to turn myself the right way again and I’m guessing… neither does my friend!

So a comment i had made on a friends blog post a few weeks back got a lot of criticism. A lot of hoo haa just coz i told a good buddy of mine who was going through a hard time and wanted to experiment with having a fuck buddy, that she should go ahead and just do it, if she wants to try it so badly. I had no idea it would bring about the the shit storm that it did.

Anyways one comment accused me of being a whore (In a round about way of course) simply because i was “for” having fuck buddies and thought it was ok. Sue me for having an open mind. It just so happened that i heard that Noir part 2 was happening. Now theatre and acting is something I’ve always been in love with. Finding the balls to actually go try out for a role worth playing was a whole different thing though. And its been my biggest drawback forever. As forward and open minded as i am, i do get shy sometimes and feel very insecure, self conscious and down right scared shitless when it comes to acting or auditioning in front of people at the start. And its the start that really matter too if your auditioning. So in an attempt to get over a particularly bad breakup which im going through right now (Refer post below titled ‘Relationship Rehab” for all the Bold and The Beautiful-esque details), i decided to ask a friend involved in the production if i could audition for any role that would fit a person like me. I was informed that there was indeed a reading happening for Shel Silversteins play “Buy one get one free”. But here’s the catch… the role was of a prostitute, ok so lets get crass why don’t we… it was for a whore. 1 of 2 whores in fact. I think the title of the play pretty much gives you a gist of the plot, so i wont explain. The other whore was to be played by none other than miss Hissyfits herself. Someone who’d been in the acting thing since she was in diapers and where she probabaly started out saying the lines “Ga ga ga.. goo goo… to be or not to be!” Hmmmm so a whore? I had to say, at any other point in my life i would have just said “ok no thank you, i’ll pass” and just walked off hoping I’d have the guts to go audition for another role sometime later. But this time, thanks to the rather blatant name calling i was being subjected to on my blog, and the fact that i was adamant to do things differently, to get over this shitty heartache i was going through and decided a distraction was best i gave it some thought. So what better thing to distact you than figuring out the mentality of a whore. So i thought “well what the hell… i shouldn’t disappoint my fans”! and decided to go for it.

My one worry was the fact that i was no seasoned actress. Im not even an ACTRESS. My acting credits were limited to playing a witch in Macbeth for the Shakespeare drama competition back in school, and then playing a 9 year old kid in Blood Brothers last year, where i spent most of my time on stage blending into the background more than anything else. What acting ability did i have to hold my own next to Hissyfits on stage. Shit what if i completely embarrass her with my lesser than bad acting? Panic set in. No number of thoughts that circled around the fact that this was JUST A READING would make me feel any better. What was i doing??? Forget that… what the hell was i THINKING??? More panic set in. Then i thought, “Hold up… you haven’t even got the part and your worried if you’ll do any good on stage? Hellloooo you probably wont even get chosen. I mean every other person there has done serious acting, why in the world would they actually choose you”. That actually relieved the pressure. I realised that i wasn’t going to be chosen, but i could at least give it a shot just for experiences sake right? Make the other actors look good!

So i went for the reading… Hissyfits came a little while after i arrived, and she did the first reading with another girl for starters. And i tell you, i totally understand why they just gave her the role without any hesitation. The girl knows her stuff. She aced the voice, the accent, the sexy tone, the sultry innuendo’s… everything. And she hadn’t even read the script beforehand. It was amazing! Ok so maybe i’m making it sound a little crazy with my gushing… but actually she was very very good. She was perfect. And all i could do was sit there and just watch and listen and hopefully learn a thing or 2. Then it was my turn to have a go with her. “Fuck fuck fuck fuckity fuck fuck” was all that was running through my head.

So off we started… and i was relieved to hear that my voice wasn’t shaking, i hadn’t wet my seat and i certainly hadn’t fainted. I was actually relaxing and trying to match her enthusiasm and it was bloody nice. She makes it kinda easy actually when you think about it, because when she’s doing her part so well, the only thing you can do is try to do yours as well too. I wasn’t brilliant. Hell i wasn’t even good. But at least i popped my auditioning cherry and it felt good. This just bodes well for the next time i want to audition for a role. And that’s always a good thing. So a big thank you to Hissyfits, she had no idea im sure, but she helped me stop being self conscious and actually made me get into the role more. Hopefully i wont feel like a tranquilised goat the next time i go for one of these things.

Next stop… BROADWAY!!!

The Missing Sandwich had a post recently titled “Retribution” which after reading triggered off a series of emotions i had been meaning to blog about for sometime now. Thoughts like, “Should I really air out my dirty laundry?” kept popping into my mind. But then I thought, what the fuck… its my page, i haven’t been blogging for long and as long as people don’t know who i am they wont really know who I’m blogging about.

So “Retribution”… “What goes around always comes around”… that hated saying people always automatically say while they pat you on the back after you’ve told them that you’ve just experienced a painful breakup and then go into detail about how much that other person hurt you.

The thing i don’t understand thought totally agree on with The missing Sandwich is the fact that, what goes around doesn’t always come around to the people that have hurt us the most. In fact they turn out to be much better off than they originally were. They move on faster, they find themselves some hot drop dead gorgeous girl or guy, they get a promotion at work, they get work trips overseas… and the only thing you genuinely wished they would feel is an inkling of the pain they caused you.

Ok so I’m bitching and moaning about something that happened to me which only after explanation, would you understand the state of mind I’m in to write this post.

From the beginning, an un-summarized version…

The time - April last year. Evening.

The location - Outside the Majestic City steps

Current state of mind - Bitter and hurt after the sudden end of a relationship a few weeks prior

I go to watch TMNT at the MC Cinema with friends. We’re just leaving when we all bump into this guy i know only by reputation, because we have a few mutual friends in common. He is officially introduced to me by one of the guys I’m with and we all share some small talk about the movie. Later we decide to go for some coffee and said guy starts talking to me quite freely about people we know, things we know about them and the extraordinary coincidence that we’d been to places, concerts, movies, plays you name it, at the exact same time but unfortunately never bumped into each other… until now, ironically ,on the side of the road. I liked him immediately (In a totally platonic way). We start texting each other the next day. He tells me it was refreshing to meet someone as open and unpretentious as me. “There’s too much bullshit in this world” he texts. I’m flattered. I thought he was quite interesting myself. Intelligent, knows his stuff, open minded, not good looking though, but i didn’t care, i wasn’t looking to date him. I was just blown away by the fact that he was as big a movie buff as me. Bigger actually. He dreams to be a director one day. I’m positive he will be a damn good one in time. Time passes, and I’m sick of the texting, so i invite him to meet me for coffee. We meet once, twice, three times. The conversations are brilliant. We have tons in common. I’m totally comfy with him, and I’m glad i finally found someone i could hang out with who i didn’t have to worry was trying to get in my pants. After the 3rd meeting he points out to me that he likes me more than just as a friend. I’m in shock. I had just got out of a relationship. I didn’t need this. I tell him so. He informs me that if that’s the case he cant be friends like this coz it’ll be hard on him. I suddenly feel this jolt of sadness. I realise that I’ll miss him. Terribly. How the hell did i get here, to this place where I’m actually worried about missing this guy who i knew for just 3 weeks. I explain to him, that i cant get into anything now. I’m too hurt. I’m too broken inside. I’m too bitter. I’m not in the right state of mind. Sure i like him a lot… but as a friend… and somehow it feels kinda unfair that he deprives me of that friendship just coz i don’t have feelings for him. He thinks hard about it. Texts me the next day saying he understands and he agrees. He’ll work on sorting out his emotions himself, I’m apparently too nice to let go just like that. So we can remain friends the way we have been thus far.

Fast forward 2 months. He and i have become a lot closer. I’ve told him things I’ve never told anyone else. He refers to me as “princess”. I begin to like hearing him say that. We spend almost everyday together, watching movies at his place, debating about it afterwards. I can see he still has feelings, but I cant bring myself to say yes to him. Previous hurts keep popping up. Will he hurt me too. I cant handle another broken relationship right now. I speak to friends about it. Mixed reviews. “Jade, look at him… look at you. You can do sooooo much better. He’s not even cute”, “Dude… follow your heart”, “Woman, if you like him, just go for it… if anything you’ll have some good sex” But then the best advise was given from some one i least expected to give it… My Ex. “Jade… your considering him… which means you don’t give a shit what he looks like… which also means you like him for things much more than that. You deserve better than what you’ve got all this time… give him a chance. Its not his fault previous men fucked you over. See if he’s the one” That hit home. 2 days later i asked him if he would still like to have a girlfriend… he said yes… So i said he now has one. Man the look on his face… the next day he sends me a message on Facebook saying i made him the happiest man on the planet. That made me the happiest woman on said same planet.

6 months go by and I’m the happiest woman alive. He’s everything i could possibly want. He’s sensitive. Still says I’m gorgeous everyday. Calls 20 times a day, sometimes just for 2 seconds just to say he misses me, on top of that he pops into work now and then to see me, sends FB messages… the works. (Ladies, you know how great you’d feel if a guy did that for you right??) I mean in any relationship the guy just doesn’t pay as much attention after a few months…. but this one revolutionized that whole theory for me. We did everything together. Acted in plays together, went for movies together, hung out with friends together. Not to harp on the things i did for him, but i did things for this man that i have never done for people in my own family. People who thought we were a totally mismatched couple at the start, changed their minds. In 6 months we had managed to make people think we were one of those couples who had been together for years. We seemed that comfortable together. I mean everything was perfect, what could go wrong right? RIGHT!

In December everything went wrong! After an outing in town, he informs me over the phone that his feelings for me have vanished. “Vanished ” i say, “What do you mean they’ve vanished?? How could feelings just vanish like that?” He didn’t know. He said he knew the feelings were lessening bit by bit… and he didn’t wanna admit that they were disappearing… but now when he thinks about it… that fire, that thumping of his heart, that magic… that rush of pleasure when he sees me, just isn’t there anymore. Needless to say… I was shattered. I didn’t know how to take this. There were no warning signs, there was no one else in the picture, there was no incessant fighting… nothing. So how could this happen?? All i could think of was… “oh my god, I’m gonna lose him” Weeks went by where i tried to think of a way this could all be a misjudgment of feelings. Maybe its just the initial euphoria wearing off, that happens all the time… doesn’t mean we have to break up. He wouldn’t listen. He was adamant that his feelings were gone… and he wanted out… NOW! I didn’t even know how to say goodbye. I didn’t want to. I couldn’t take it anymore. I simply wanted to sleep. I didn’t want to cry anymore. I didn’t want to feel the hurt anymore. I didn’t want to think of him anymore. So i swallowed 20 valiums and hoped i never had to wake up again. My parents found out… and i landed in hospital for a day. He didn’t come to see me. Instead he called my dad to ask if it was ok for him to come and see me. My dad was obviously pissed off at the fact that he actually had to ASK if he should come. Dad informed him he better not come. Yet we stayed friends.

2 weeks later he tells me his feelings are back again. I’m shocked all over again. Shocked but relieved. I tell him to take a week to think about it… he needs to be sure. During that week he texts and calls and messages just like the old days. Saying his feelings are back and are still there. I begin to have hope and am happy he’ll be back in my life again. He comes back a week later and tells me the feelings are gone again. I feel like the scab has been ripped off a half healed wound. I beg, plead do everything in my power to get him to think about it some more… i lose all sense of pride asking him to stay with me. He refuses. Becomes increasingly tactless and rude and downright insensitive to my feelings in his demeanor, his answers… everything. Often telling me he doesn’t wanna think about it ‘Because i just don’t want to!!!” in a blunt emotionless voice. After many roaring arguments (Which he claims made him lose what little feelings he had for me) and sleepless nights crying on my pillow, I move on.

2 months later, we’re still friends, we talk on and off, meet even less and basically just live our own separate lives. An American friend of a friend sees me at a industry seminar and asks my friend to introduce us. He does so. We have some small talk and my friend informs me that he thinks the American (Who we shall refer to as J from here on) has a thing for me. I’m not very interested. J finds my email address and starts to email me. We become quite comfortable with each other. He has an EXCELLENT sense of humour, one of the 1st things i look for in a man, and he’s a great great great guy in every way. I tell Mr. ex about the new development. He is happy for me. A few weeks later i sort out my travel plans for Thailand. J would be there too for the same purpose. Gradually i notice Mr. Ex reacting badly the more i tell him about J. One day he says he is jealous. Looks miserable and dejected for most of the following days. I decide to refrain from telling him anything more about J as i don’t want to hurt Mr. Ex’s feelings. A week later he tells me that i have been too good to him especially after the way he treated me, a few days after that he mentions that he was a fool to ever let me go. I begin to see where this is all leading up to. A week before heading to Thailand he sends me a mail saying that he now realises what he lost. He thinks of me everyday and wants me back. At the same time he wants me to find happiness with J. I tell him I’m not going to consider anything he just sent until he’s 100%… no 200% sure. He agrees to think things through and make sure for sure this time.

I go to Thailand, i cannot get together with J. Mr. Ex is on my mind. I come back. I visit him in his home town which he has retreated to while he recovers from Chicken Pox. I’m surprised to find that he has now told his parents about us. Something he had refused to do all this time because he just wasnt sure. He tells me he’s sure this time… positive… utterly positive… he’s on the road to love… he wants me back… his feelings are there for sure! I’m still dubious about the whole thing. How can i trust him. After what i went through the last time. I know i wont be able to handle a pain like that again. I explain it all to him. He says he understands and realises what hes asking isn’t fair and he has no right… but he wants me back so badly he had to ask. I see tears in his eyes as he sees the doubt in mine. I was soooo fucking scared at that point i didn’t know what to do or say. I just knew i was taking on a huge huge risk. But i told him i would think about it. 2 days later i told him we should give it a month, if he’s feelings remain we’ll take it from there. He agrees. And even says that if he has any doubts, we’ll work on it TOGETHER as a couple. I agree.

The 1 month trial begins. He is Mr. Wonderful again. Calling, texting, meeting me at work… the works. I begin to have hope that things will go back to normal. To have hope that finally things will work out for good. 1 month goes by. We meet to discuss how things are. He says his feelings are still there. I’m thrilled to hear it. “But its not love” he says, “And without love i cant carry on”. Seriously no words to describe what i felt right then. I ask if he was trying to fall in love with me during this month. He says he was hoping it would develop into love during the course of this month, yes, but it hasn’t. Hence its safe to assume that he wont be falling for me anytime soon, possibly never. Sooo we should just call it off. Just like that. “But the point of this month wasnt to fall in love with me. you got to cross the 1st hurdle and that was to see if your feelings would remain. And they have, so why make this all about love now. That wasnt the agreement we made” i say. “Yes but, i need to have that magic… and if its not love now. I cant carry on with you” he explains. I tell him that you cant fall in love to a deadline like that. He explains that during the last week the fire, the magic, the frantic beating of his heart had lessened. I explain that if he expects that frantic beating of his heart to be there 24/7/365 for years and years each times he sees me, he’s going to die of a serious heart condition. We were back to that old routine again. “But, you said you were sure… you even told your parents about us” i say. I could almost see him shrugging his shoulders as he casually said “I thought i was sure… i guess i wasn’t after all. I’ll tell my parents it just didn’t work out”. “But this isn’t fair… don’t i have say in this?” I ask. “Cant be helped no” he says in that casual “Can i go back to picking my nose now” type tone of voice. I begged, pleaded, cried with him not to do this to me again. Again his voice turns cold. Again he gets insensitive on me. Says right now its doesn’t look like he’ll ever fall in love with me. “Am i that hard to love” i ask. “Seems that way” he replies in his dead pan tone. My heart breaks all over again right there. We continue to argue as i plead with him to just give things more time. Love will come. You cant rush it like this.. he wont hear of it. He wont even give me the courtesy of a chance like i gave him. He wont give us a chance like i gave it. He just wanted to be gone. Finally very grudgingly he agreed to give things a bit more time. I asked if he would genuinely take the effort to think about it. Not just wait for time to fly. He then yells at me over the phone “Listen stop pestering me about this. Why cant you just let it go? The only reason i said i would give it time was because i wanted you off my back!!!!”. The fact that i never asked him to come back. The fact that he said we would work on this together when the time came. The fact that i was trying to make things work so that i would have to go through the pain of losing him again… none of that mattered. Now i was a botheration to him, when it was he who had wanted to come back in the first place. To him it was just… “I don’t care if i assured her i wouldn’t hurt her again… i just want out… and that’s all that i care about, to hell with her and what she may have to go through as a result of my selfishness!”

Ever since then… its been one huge rollercoaster ride of me trying to get over all this. Is it fair? Was i simply stupid to take him back each time? Was he just taking me for a ride everytime? Did he mean ANYTHING he said to me? Should i not have given him the time of day?? Probably. But i believed in him and i trusted him one time too many. And here i am learning from it while i nurse my broken heart. So anyone out there tell me… where will the retribution be in this case. Will what went around come around for him?

A week before we broke up a chick he barely knew called him up out of the blue and gushed over an article he had written and even called herself his biggest fan. She invited him for lunch one day, which he promptly accepted. ( I didn’t know Sri Lanka had real live groupies… but oh well) He went to meet her for lunch the day after he broke up with me. The last i heard he was meeting up with her for coffee date last week. Hmmm sound familiar? I cant help but wonder if her appearance in his life had anything to do with the break up a week later. And then i wonder, should i be surprised if it did, should i even care? He turned out to be the complete opposite to what i thought he was, and things i never though he would do… he did. Why not this!

*Sigh* i don’t see retribution anywhere in sight. Its not about revenge. Even though he hurt me so badly… i don’t hate him. Things would be so much easier if i did. I still love him. Even though he doesn’t know it. And that sucks. But i wish for a tiny mili-second in time… he would go through the pain i went through, just so he understands the hurt and the pain he caused me. Because once you feel that, you’ll never even want your worst enemy to feel pain of that extent.

I’m now in what i call relationship rehab. That time in your life where your trying to get over any serious addiction, and you realise you’ve got to rid yourself of it and get over your need for it. And that’s what I’m struggling with right now! A poem from one of my favourite movies pretty much sums it all up for me right now, especially the final 2 verses.

I hate the way you talk to me
And the way you cut your hair
I hate the way you drive my car
I hate it when you stare

I hate your big dumb combat boots
And the way you read my mind
I hate you so much that it makes me sick
It even makes me rhyme

I hate the way you’re always right
I hate it when you lie
I hate it when you make me laugh
Even worse when you make me cry

I hate the way you’re not around
And the fact that you didn’t call
But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you
Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.

- Link your tagger and list these rules on your blog.

- Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog, some random, some weird.

- Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs.

- Let them know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

THE 7

1. I practice saying “I love you too” aloud to an imaginary lover when im alone in my room or when im sitting on the throne in the loo.
   
2. I talk to the mirror in my room as if im having a very serious conversation with someone.
   
3. I used to eat my boogers when i was a kid. (Hey it was a LONG time ago ok???)
4. My mom got hit by a lorry many years ago. She was in a coma for 3 months and woke up with no memory of anything or anyone and with the mind of a 3 year old. The doc said that if she ever had kids it would be fatal. 4 years later i was born. Im apparently a miracle. (And yes she’s perfectly normal now)
   
5. I have a dent in my head. If you feel my skull through my hair you’ll feel it on the side towards the back of my head.
6. No matter how much i eat (and trust me i eat a lot on a constant basis) i never put on an inch. I know most people would kill to be this way, but i dont. I have a figure that makes me look like im bordering on anorexia and its not fun. Years and years of all sorts of diets, pills and syrups have only made me gain a kilo or 2 and then i snap back to being just 40k. Its a mystery to everyone… including me!
   
7. I CANNOT sleep when im being cuddled by someone in bed. I need to have space to myself on the bed and cant stand someone’s breath hitting any part of my body or when my breath hits something and bounces back on to my face. (Yeah its a killer when im in a relationship)

As im new to the bloggersphere im just going to tag the 2 people i know havent been tagged yet. Apologies for breaking the rules. But then again… its what im known for.

Smokers Delight

Ravana

Ok taking a cue from how depressing my last post was I’m now going to write a post that has nothing to do with anything I’ve written in the past. I’m going to write about one word… well OK two. “Adfest” and “Pattaya”.

I wont elaborate on how jealous i was of my colleagues who had gone for Adfest in the past and insisted on re-living the whole experience in front of me with other people who had gone too. You feel quite unusually out of place. As if you’re eavesdropping on the goings on inside a secret and very exclusive club. Its a case of once you’ve been to Pattaya you never go back to being OUT of Pattaya. Your always going beck there. If not in person at least in your mind. Never quite understood the whole hallabaloo about the place… UNTIL I WENT THERE!

I got this great break and finally got a chance to go on my own since the company i worked for wasn’t sending anyone this time. So i organise my passport and visa through the travel agent, get my ticket, go to the airport, kiss my parents goodbye and head off to the immigration counter… where they tell me that my passport is valid only for 3 months and i cant be sent through unless its valid for at least 6 months. Ever experienced an avalanche? Good, neither have i, but I’m guessing it was something like what happened to me just then. so I’m standing there thinking ‘She’s joking… she’s got to be JOKING, right… RIGHT???” She looks at me quite blankly when i ask if in fact she was joking… and says in an equally blunt tone “No… i most certainly am not joking!”. So i leave, spend a manic day at the passport office which was a ZOO, much worse than it ever used to be when it was in Bamba, and finally get my passport done in a day. Rs. 7500 of shoes buying cash wasted!!! *Sigh*

But anyways… the next day there i was back at the airport, back at the immigration counter and there i am biting my nails when the lady at the counter pulls out my boarding card stanps it and starts to point out what terminal to go to, what gate and where my seat number is… and im thinking “Woooooo hooooooooooooo, i’m back in the game!!”

fast forward 5 hours and I’m landing in Bangkok. I walk through, find my taxi driver holding out this card with my name misspelled on it, of course. And 2 hours drive later I’m in Pattaya. From then on things are just a blur, so I’m just going to list the good stuff down.

1. My hotel room was awesome. Two words… MINI BAR!!!!
2. The work.
3. The people I met.
4. WALKING STREET.
5. The women on Walking street.
6. The shoes!!!
7. The signs on the roads.
8. Did i mention Walking Street??

So yeah. Incredible incredible place. The only unusual thing about my trip was the fact that unlike most people i didn’t fall in love with the food. I mean was it just me, or was the food there totally bland. No flavour whatsoever. Seriously. Siam House rocks comparatively. I mean seriously. I see what you’re doing. your shaking your head saying I’m nuts. But I’m not, really. It was damn bland. 

So one week, purchasing of 7 pairs of shoes, 3 tops, 1 pair of jeans and 3 bottles of perfume later, i’m on my way back home. and the first place i headed to… Pilllawoos and that hot as hell Cheese Rotti! Heaven.

All i can say about Thailand was, i don’t know what the fuss was all about… but then again, i totally see it too.

Well since my last rather depressing post i know I’ve been very silent but a lot has been going on. I’ve been through a million tests, so has mother dearest and I’m happy to say… WE’RE BOTH FINE!!! Her hot spots shown on the bone scan are due to ageing and nothing too serious and mine turned out to be lumps of fat gathered in my boobs. Sounds about right since the only thing that puts on any weight on my body are my boobs. she needs to have some minor treatment just in case the hot spots turn out to be something more than nothing and I’ve got to swallow a few pills too to melt out the lumps, but everything should be OK in no time… HOPEFULLY!!

I never would have thought that all this would turn out to be nothing in the end and i got to say THE FEELING IS AMAZING!!!!

Blood is a funny thing. This realisation hit me suddenly on Saturday…

For starters let me take you back in time. 7 years ago my mom had the misfortune of getting breast cancer. The magnitude of exactly how serious that was didnt really strike me back then. I was in the midst of studying for my A/L’s at the time and as some of you who have sat for the A/L’s know, that time of any almost adults life is never easy. Your constantly in fear of “What if i dont pass”. This was it in my case. All i knew was that my om went for a doctors appointment for a lump in her right breats. She claimed it didnt hurt. “That cant be too bad cant it? I mean anything bad would hurt. Our body always works like that, you feel pain and you instantly know something isnt how it should be” i thought. A few tests and a painful biopsy later the was told she’s had the lump for 5 months (Yes she never knew) and it may have spread, hence she’ll have to remove her entire right breast. That’s about the time that reality hit me. Removing your entire right breast was a serious thing. The operation came and went, she seemed fine though she claimed she felt less like a woman now. I totally understood, but told her the worst is now over. Little did i know the worst was yet to come. Nothing could have ever prepared me for the shit that was going to hit us after the operation.

Non stop trips to the cancer hospital where she had to get chemo therapy began. I had to walk around the hospital at this time and everywhere i looked there was depression, sick kids, sick babies, sick people, i couldnt beleive my mother was one of them. She came out of chemotherapy looking ashen. 10 minutes after we walked through the doors to our home, she started throwing up, then again 5 minutes later, and again 5 minutes after that. This continued till dead of night. every 5 minutes she’d rush to the loo to throw up, followed by my dad, by my brother or by me. We took turns to go with her and hold her forehead up she threw up. She couldnt keep any food in. I couldnt study. I couldnt eat. I hated going back to school every morning after not sleeping all night. More than that i hated that she kept this brave front for all our sakes.

This was only the 1st dose of chemo… she was scheduled for 4 more such days. After the 2nd chemo was done and she’d had her throw up sessions, we had a wedding the day after. She was all ready and brushing her hair, when half the hair on the side of her head came off on the brush. We both stood there completely shocked. We knew she would lose her hair… but neither of us guessed it would all go at once. That did it. She broke down. Losing a breast was one thing, but losing all your hair too… that was soemthing she couldnt handle. I held her as long as i could until she stopped, trying my best not to cry myself, praying that just this once i’d be strong for HER sake. We ended up not going for the wedding. She lost all her hair and became completely bald by the end of the week. 2 days later my brother came home with no hair on his head. He’d decided she wouldnt be the odd one out and shaved all his hair off. That was by far the most touching thing i’ve ever seen him do. It amazed me how the connection of blood could make us do things we would never dream of doing usually. The doc informs her that i need to be careful. As she has had no family history of cancer and she’s the 1st in her family to get it, there is a great risk that i may get it, as cancer is known to be heridetary. After me, it may skip a generation or 2. Im scared shitless even more now.

So she carried on as a bald, one breasted lady drawing odd looks from people wherever she went because of the scarf she wore on her head. I detached myself from the people who sniggered at her. I hate people’s reaction to it. I hate how she acts like it doesnt affect her. I hate that she had to go through all this. I hate fucking cancer! I cant imagine ever getting it myself. How i’d feel if i ever got this horrid disease. The treatment being the worse part. She tells us all that if she is ever diagnosed with cancer again, se doesnt wanna go through treatment again. She rather let the cancer take her. *sigh*

Time went on, chemo finished, radiation therapy too (Thankfully no after effects for that treatment). 7 years down the line we are ALL still recovering from the whole ordeal.

2 weeks ago we do her routine bone scan. We see 2 lumps in her spine and 2 more in her 7th & 8th ribs on the right side. My whole world crashes around me. The damn thing has spread this time. And above all else her words of not taking treatment haunt me. Me and dad go with the scan to see our doc without telling my mom. Doc doesnt look too happy and informs us that its not looking good, but we should do a PET scan in India. He turns to me and asks when i last had a mammograph. I tell him its been a while. He looks at me strenly and tells me to get mine done asap.

I get all the relevant tests done. On Saturday i visit the doc alone. He looks at the tests and looks at me with a frown. sighs. Then says that it looks like i have a growth in my left breast. My mind goes blank. He explains that this is what he was worried would happen as soon as my mom was diagnosed. Im not listening to a word he says. If i was scared earlier, its nothing compared to what i feel at that moment. He says i should get the same PET scan as my mom.

Blood is a funny thing. The realisation suddenly hit me on Saturday. Its odd how sharing the same blood with someone makes them the closest person to you, and it is also that blood relationship with that person that can give you a disease like this. The news i received on Saturday is something i want to keep to myself. Something i dont want anyone to know. The most absurd thoughts cross through my mind… Maybe people will snigger at me too when i walk around with no hair and just a scarf around my head. Will it hurt afterwards. Should i tell my parents. Maybe i can go into hiding for a year and come back fully recovered. Maybe…

Either way, there’s a feeling of being cheated within me. It wasnt enought that i had to watch my mother go through all this, i now have to go through the same thing too. Life doesnt seem fair at times like this. And all i can think is…. Valentines Day seemed like AGES ago.

Yes… i have done what i thought I’d never do. I’ve wished people on V-Day. Sigh. I’m becoming such a softie. I was accused of writing depressive posts by Chanuk (Whoever he is) the last time. So here I am NOT writing something cynical, rude, down right bitchy or even minutely negative. Chanuk i hope your happy.

I was begged and pleaded upon by my 18 year old cuz in Aussie to please please please send 2 single white roses to his ex girl friend (Who he had to reluctantly break up with and leave behind on account of his move) and his best female friend. Much groaning and ”Why me?”s  later he some how had me convinced i had to do this for him!! He is stranded in some country missing his friends and I’m the only person standing in the way of him letting them know their on his mind on this very commercialised day. Soooo off i went to Supreme Flora… sat down, mumbled to the lady behind the counter that i needed 2 single white roses to be sent to separate chicks at Elizabeth Moir. She stared at me for a bit and then quickly hurried to the back. Only then did it hit me how it would have sounded to her. Skinny probably lesbian girl sending TWO roses to TWO chicks in the SAME school on V-Day. Nice! Had a good chuckle to myself thinking of what she must be hastily telling her colleagues at the back, doing their thing wrapping last minute red roses. Anyways I started strolling around at the shop looking at the many deliveries to be made, and my eyes fell on this this monstrous flower arrangement which was as tall as me… and i couldn’t help glancing at the card which was open and sitting right on top. The message was utterly corny”I love you”. “I cant live without you”. “You make my world ok to live in”. “I dunno where i would be if you were not in my life”. ”Did i mention i loved you? “, BUT nonetheless i couldn’t help feeling touched for the girl who was about to receive it. I knew she had to be impressed with this one, but more so, she would be happy that the guy went to all that trouble to get her this. Yes i know… I’m changing my story from yesterday’s post. But i gotta say, maybe to people who this day means a lot, maybe its NOT such a bad thing. Its better showing a little love on at least ONE day if not everyday.

I walked back to the girl behind the counter, sorted out the delivery for my cuz’s roses and ordered another 2 yellow roses and one red. Went back to office and handed them over to the 3 females i believe deserved a rose. The 3 females who I’m closest to in office. One yellow to my bosses Personal Secratary, Susan. One yellow to my girl The Missing Sandwich and the traditional red rose to the one girl who i knew would like it the old fashioned way, Hemanthi, the always-complaining, often-underestimated, never-allowed-to-prove-herself cubicle neighbour of mine. While Smokers Delight watched on with a “I cant believe this is happening… IN OUR OFFICE” look on his face, The Missing Sandwich gave me one of her big bear hugs, Hemanthi came over and did the same and then handed over a heart shaped chocolate and finally Susan came up to me an hour later delivered my 3rd hug for the day and told me she was very touched. She hadn’t received roses from ANYONE in years, and getting this made her feel like SOMEONE… someone special. I had put a smile on the faces of my favourite 3 lady mates in office and i was happy with myself.

Good i can die in peace now knowing i did one good deed in my life. V-Day ain’t so bad is it? 

If your one of those people who realise what tomorrow is and instantly think “UGH”… I feel your pain. Forget the fact that i’m newly single and that tomorrow is one day when im going to feel it the worst, and people will obviously say im just being cynical (What me? Cynical? NEVAH!) about the whole lovers day ritual of bombarding themselves with red this and red that, heart shaped boxes of chocolate, heart shaped bouquets, heart shaped toilet seats etc. End of the day its all a way of putting a heart shaped leash around your neck isnt it? I never did understand what was it that made people want to paint the whole of Colombo blood Red!

Seriously… take a trip to Majectic City… No… not to linger aimlessly around the banisters staring down the cleavage of some girl coming up the escalator or to spit on some bald dude’s head… just to observe the people and shops around you. Its pathetic. Red clothing in the store windows, heart shaped red bling in the jewellery boutiques, even the video stores have plastered their windows with valentines day drippy romantic chick flick posters. sigh. Its enough to make you wanna scream.

What is it about the death of some poor saint that makes peole want to declare their undying love for one another in the most common, typical, unoriginal ways possible. Do men and women feel extra special when their loved ones BUY an item from a shop and just hands it over on a specific day? Has the human race really become THAT shallow? Dammit i missed the transition in that case.

I always get a bouquet of white roses for valentines from some secret admirer. I cant help but feel sorry for the poor idiot. Here he is spending his cash sending me roses and i dont even know who the hell he is! Its cute and sweet and all that… but what a moronic thing to do. Seriously, send a card, write a name, give a hint… anything. Its heartbreaking to think that somewhere some guy is waiting thinking “Maybe THIS year she’ll realise its me”. Quite honestly if he cant be arsed sending his name, i cant be arsed trying to figure it out! And anyone that knows me knows 1st of all i dont DIG the whole flowers thing… and 2nd this is just the way i am… always have been. I love showing that im an insensitive, heartless, uncaring, bitch of a girl. I dont disappoint anyone that way. I dont think im a guy stuck in the body of a girl for no reason you know.  

But back to our original bitching… Valentines Day… what is it for? Is it really worth the effort? Would you really indulge in it? I hope not… if you do… PLS DONT TELL ME ABOUT IT! No really… spare me the details.

So if your single… or if like my ex your not the V-Day type… here’s a list of things you could do.

Go on a trip

Yup the age old method of running away from the dreaded red stuff. But make sure you go with someone yummy. That way even if your bored with the conversation you can let the rest of you do the talking from then on. Body language is a big thing now! A good shag can do wonders. So get laid.

Ask someone out

Oh stop looking so shocked. Its the 21st century. If no one asks you out, grow the balls (Yes even if your a woman) and ask someone out for dinner. Then you take them back to your place. Give them a drink… and then do a re-enactment of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. if your worried about the blood and getting caught afterwards… just call the police and say that the LTTE did it! Its the newest equivalent of “My dog ate my homework”. Afterwards get laid.

Watch movies

If your thinking of watching “A walk to remember”, “City of Angels”, “Pretty Woman” or Sleepless in Seattle” consider yourself slapped… No… bitch slapped. Havent you taken anything ive said above, to heart? I meant something like “Saw 1, 2 or 3″. “Rambo 4″ is pretty good too, ”Death Proof” “Lock, Stock and 2 Smoking Barrels” “Oceans 11″ Their movies where the thought of Valentines day wont even enter your mind. But if you NEED to have a bit of soppyness… fine… watch “Love Actually”. its a decent enough love story that doesnt give you too much of a gag effect. Then make some time to get laid.

Eat dark chocolate 

Never under estimate the importance of an aphrodisiac. Dark chocolate is good for our hearts in more ways than one. Besides containing potent antioxidants, it has the power to boost endorphins, the “happy juice” in our brains. Valentine’s Day get your friends together for a chocolate tasting — including chocolate fondue. Ok if that’s all a bit “Much” for you… just spread it over the body of some yummylicious man or woman and get creative. Dont forget to take it all the way now. Getting laid is the main thing.

Well thats it for now… hope i’ve given you all the perfect way to go about dealing with the big day of red and pink.

Good Luck.

I’ve come to a point in my life where i’m beginning to wonder if marriage is ever meant to be. Everywhere i look i see people unhappy in marriage, just not getting what they want in a marriage, cheating on their partners or simply divorcing. What is it about marriage that makes us feel like its the ultimate way to spend the rest of our lives? I dont know. But what ever it is about marriage that makes people feel safe in the thought that their lives are sorted the moment they tie that knot… im not feeling it. and i doubt at this rate i ever will.

Let me give you an example from MY life. For as long as i can remember my parents have made it quite clear that they hate each others guts. My fondest memories of them are way back when i was around 5 0r 6. I remember my dad waking up in the morning, going up to my mom making breakfast in the kitchen and giving her a hug from behind. Being the ever conservative typical buddhist sinhalese couple that they are, they always hastily separate as soon as i walk into the room. Never really letting me get a closer look at that one intimate moment they shared. Never really letting that image of them burn itself into my brain. That was 20 years ago… now the only images burned into my brain is of constant battles within their room, yelling, screaming, objects being dashed on the floor, my mom rushing into my room at 4 am crying her eyes out and complaining to me about how insesitive my dad is, my dad following her and complaining to me about how she wont simply wont stop nagging him. Sure i had a brother 7 years OLDER than me who they could have gone and bothered with these fights instead, but i had the unfortunate habit of giving a shit about the fights, and trying my best to stop them, sort them out, help them come to a compromise, make them understand what the other feels… little did i know that NOTHING i did whould ever stop this. It was years and years of falling out of love which i could not stop. Where did it all begin, how is it all going to end… all questions that kept running through my head everytime this happened. Things only got worse in time. Instead of the arguments at those god forsaken hours, they began arguing every minute of every day for the stupidest bloody reasons. When i left home for school, for work, for a night out with friends, for a walk to the shop i’d always hear their screaming voices follow me all the way to the road. Whenever i walked home after a hard days work i’d hear their voices greet me home. It wasnt the best way to leave and come back to a place you’d like to call home. “Why havent you fixed the leak in the pipe?” “Why is lunch so late?” “Couldnt you AT LEAST help out with the housework?” “Why do you always have to nag me?” “How could you forget to bring bread when i told you 3 times before you left?” ”How can you expect me to rememeber everything im human too?” on and on and on and on. Its hard to imagine that once these 2 people made eachothers hearts race. They couldnt wait to be together. They courted eachother. They stared in the others eyes and imagined a blissful life together with kids and one day grand kids. Its impossible for me to imagine that they ever even cared for one another. And its harder still to know that this will be the way things will be till the day they die. The memories of my parents will mostly be of them killing eachother at home. Should i be angry at them for leaving me with these memories? Should i be mad at them for making me lose respect for the institution of marriage? Should i hate them for giving me so much of shit during my childhood, for never letting me see those few monents they were happy, so that i could go back to those thoughts at the worst of times… Should i? Should i? Should i?

If i ever do marry, shouldnt i have fond stories to tell my kids one day of the stuff their grand parents used to do? How great they were, how they adored each other, how they gave the best of their lives to one another? Or should i just tell them the truth… tell them how much they hated the sight of one another and in turn help them see that marriage isnt a bed of roses. Marriage isnt always the be all and end all to a happy ever after. That way they will never be jaded about life, love, being happy and most of all about me for lying to them about everything in the world being all rosy and cute like they are in books and movies.  

Sure people will always say “Not EVERY marriage is bad”, “Not every marriage turns out that way”, “Just coz your parents turned out to be complete mutts about marriage doesnt mean your’s will turn out the same” But still… unless i learn from what i see, how can i even imagine how marriage could be, as opposed to what ive experienced? How do you know who the perfect person to be with is? How do you know you’ll be happy with them for the rest of your life? How do you know you wont spend the rest of your life giving hell to the other? How do you know? Just get married and find out? Is it worth the risk… i dont think so. Maybe i’m wrong… but what if i’m right?